generally, people dont find it easy to admit that they’re a loser and that they’ve failed. but sometimes the hardest thing to do could bring a form of release or something. so I AM A LOSER. there, said it. i find murphy’s law to be very true. anything that can go wrong will go wrong at the same time. i feel the whole world crashing on me now. not a very nice feeling esp after a very enjoying trip overseas. i guess everyone has their own set of problems but choose not to show it to people. i always thought what problems could this person have? he looks like a happy person that is contented with his lot. maybe or maybe not. probably just someone who has hidden all his problems and troubles behind that mask they is portrayed to the public. who knows what is hidden deep down? it may be wanting to save face, or maybe just not wanting other people to worry. whatever the case, we dont show our emotions easily in front of other people. but the sure thing is, everyone has problems. 

being at this stage of my life right now, i dont feel that anything i have done is right. for my entire life, i have been so sheltered and spoilt. i dont know how to make the right choices and i dont know what the real world is like. i dont want to be that princess anymore but i find it so hard to deal with the problems now. it is so big that it is just encapsulating me. i find it so hard to breathe, so hard to speak of it even to the people that are close to me. maybe God should have invented a “bare all” button on us. i find it even harder to speak to Him. maybe because i feel like i’ve disappointed the one person that loved me so much and gave me so many chances in life. i remember thanking God for a second chance at my course orientation few years back. now what have i done to this second chance. did i even deserve it in the first place? what did i do to deserve all that i have gotten? i really dont know. i dont think i still have any more courage left to face Him. and yet at the same time, i dont even have to speak a word and He will know what i am thinking about. Ironically, the only person that can help me through this darkest period of my life is Him. I know that but where is the courage left in me. i think this is called despair. i have fallen into the deepest of valleys.